At the beginning of September 2022, I rolled over my three-year anniversary of having drug (and therapy) resistant chronic migraine. The ‘and therapy’ addition is my own, the diagnosis is via my headache specialist and took over two and a half years to get – because that was how long it took me to go through every therapy and drug currently avail in Canada (there is another new drug pending approval, and I’m on a waitlist for it).
Yes, I’m in constant, unrelenting daily pain. Some days I’m quite functional and the pain is at a low simmer. Some days I’m lucky if I can string two sentences together (literally, in conversation, and on the page). Those two extremes are rare. Usually, I fall somewhere in the middle, aka functional for a few hours scattered throughout my day.
One of the most difficult struggles I’ve had with chronic pain is the inability to maintain a schedule. And even when I try to arrange my days, or even get a few days to flow in a row, it feels like the smallest addition/complication can throw me off.
Take today for example. My pain is present, closer to distracting than a low simmer, but I’ve worked through worse many times before. I have a massive to-do list which is almost entirely my own fault – I decided to release two books with only thirty days in between and somehow convinced myself that I could also write the next book (Amplifier 6), run a large scale promo on another book (Amplifier 0), and overhaul my ‘store’ at the same time. In the background, I’m also budgeting/arranging my upcoming Author Tea with Hailey Edwards (May 27, 2023 in Vancouver, BC), brainstorming/budgeting for a Tenth Anniversary Kickstarter for Dowser 1 (Feb 2023 for the Kickstarter, June 2023 for the anniversary), and getting the audiobooks for Archivist series going. Also, I’ve been asked to send in proof of my Medical expenses for 2021 to Revenue Canada. Add in (attempting to get) daily exercise and a daily walk with Molly (approx 2 hours of each day).
And I was doing okay with all of it, prioritizing.
Then yesterday Michael cranked his neck and went down for the day. I lost the writing but stepped up with the household stuff (though I forgot to let the chickens out of the coop until 11:30am, yikes) yet still managed to knock several items off my to-do list.
But today the gutter installers are here. Getting new gutters on the cabin before the rain sets in is going to be great! I will no longer get soaked coming and going from my office. But Molly Millions isn’t pleased. I’ve had to put her bark collar on her (which I hate almost as much as she does).
And now I’m way off – no story in my aching head, no motivation in my aching body, and utterly frustrated by my inability to get into, then maintain, a groove.
I used to be so resilient. Way, way back when (when I was still a screenwriter/indie filmmaker) I once had a (male) film/literary agent cite my ‘focus and drive’ as ‘not necessarily a good thing.’ And even then daily pain was almost a constant in my life (bursitis, tendonitis, and headaches).
Hence my realization today. Life is constantly chaotic – random injuries, taxes, gutter installers, barking/anxious dogs – but chronic pain makes those things much much more impactful than they are on a ‘regular’ life. At least, on the fairly ‘regular’ life I felt like I once led.
I know there is a lot of literature about ‘spoons’ and only having so many to allot to each day, but I can’t seem to rectify that concept with my own expectations, my own wants/needs/dreams.
Anyway, this was just a long post to say a short thing:
I see you. I know you. I am you.
Take care of yourself. And I will try to do the same.
Love and Light,
Meghan
Completely empathize and feel the same way most days. xo
💗
Love and light to you, Meghan. You can do what you can do and it is enough. We would rather suffer the disappointment of a delay than take the risk of you overextending and going down. Okay, maybe that sentiment is a wee bit selfish 🙃 (dowser universe forever!). Deep breath, good thoughts, and thanks for being you.
Hope you take care of you, hubs &Molly first. Nothing else matters. Be well 💜💜💜
Such a beautiful view! Take care of yourself! Everything else can wait!
I know there is nothing you probably haven’t tried for your pain. But my heart wants to help, so I’ll mention something that helped me: Allergy meds, and an allergist telling me what my dozens of allergies are. I’m sure you’ve likely already looked into this, but I have to try to help, it’s just my nature.
Also, I have a friend who has a watch that tells her exactly what her energy level is that day, out of 100. Sometimes, it’s only 5. But having that information helps her not to push herself when what she needs to do is rest. It’s like, confirmation that yes, it really is that bad, and she’s not “faking” her illnesses. I think that helps her peace of mind immensely. There are several out there. One is Garmin’s Body Battery, and another is Garmin’s VivoSmart.
Really, all we want is for you to feel better. I do hope something, somewhere will do the trick for you. And I’m so sorry you are going through this.
The fact that you write these wonderful stories while in chronic pain is amazing. I hope you find a solution.
Thank you for all your work on your amazing books and everything else that you do, take care and I’m sending you massive squishy hugs!
I know it sounds corny but I’m sending you as many soothing vibes as I can. Hope you and Michael are better soon.
Love you Meghan! Praying for healing for you! Hang in there ❤️❤️❤️
Take care of you (and Michael) first. Monster hugs to you.
My first migraine was in 1996. I’ve had some sort of headache or pain almost every day since. I used to be a different person. I’ve lost my muchness.
I understand and I wish you good days. 💜
As always, you must care for yourself and your family before you can extend yourself to the Adept Universe. Please know we are here with you. Prayers, love and light to you.
I absolutely love you Meghan. I wish I had a magic wand. I would wrap you up to ward off every pain demon possible. All my love, prayer, intention, for you, Michael and Molly M.
I hope you soon find some to help. I know you have been through a lot! This will not help the pain but perhaps will put a spark of light in your day. At my job they are compiling a list of recommended books or authors for our co workers to consider. I immediately thought of the Dowers series and added you to the list for others to check out. I hope they do! May you get many new readers and continued success Much love and good wishes l am sending your way..
Pretty well same for me for last 30+years. Migraines since child and triggered by allergies to just about anything and everything including weather and barometer ups and downs. It’s not easy, only pain xmeds take edge off and every so often a miracle day arrives free of pain. Neurologist said the confusion in my brain was normal and is labeled “confusional migraine”. I can’t do a quarter of what you attempt on a daily basis! I no longer have that focus as I did when I had to work so life is bit easier at least. I’m praying some day there will be something that works to prevent migraines for everyone, until then hang in there. You’re stories are great and if it takes longer, so be it. Health is irreplaceable.
Another words, take it easy and take care of you .
There are people out here who care about you. Hug your puppy and your husband (carefully) We all hope your tomorrow is better.
You said it best:
I see you. I know you. I am you.
Take care of yourself. And I will try to do the same.
I totally get where you’re at. I’ve suffered from migraines for over 45 years. Intractable for almost 16 years now. Years ago I could still live my life while dealing with the migraines, not anymore. I feel like the migraines have completely taken over my life. I can’t make plans with family or friends because I’ll probably end up canceling. I’ve lost “friends” who don’t understand. I feel so irresponsible when I make commitments, then have to constantly cancel.
So, I get it. You seem to know your limits. I hope and pray that the next new treatment that comes along is the one that saves both of us.
Hugs!
Love and light – and lots of hugs back at ya!! I suffered from chronic migraines from my teens until my late 50s, when they began to lessen. Know we care, and we appreciate the gifts you give us.
What a large proportion of your blog readers, at least, have such horrific migraines! They’re in my family’s genes, at least both parents, and my husband’s family—including barometric/weather headaches (for which nothing singly or in combination works for me). Our son started his at three, my husband’s brother as an infant.
With my son, I had to resort to near-threats to get pre-school, childcare, teachers, and sitters to give him liquid tylenol when he said his head hurt: you give it to him, or clean up the resulting vomit. Because he got headaches/migraines, even as a young child, when we had them, he understood we needed quiet and played quietly.
You have great gobs of sympathy from me, as well as the admiration others have expressed for you being able to write or manage daily function. As others have said, we will contain our desire for more reading from you, because delay is more acceptable than pushing yourself so hard that you lose the ability to tell stories because your brain exploded.
All of the commenters above, and you, and me, have encountered people who don’t get strong migraines and offer useless but well-meaning advice. We all understand the anger and frustration that causes. I’ve had insomnia/irregular sleep patterns since childhood, and it’s amusing to compare the useless advice from people who’ve never had chronic sleep issues to the useless advice about migraines. Oy!
I had a (now retired) migraine neurologist/family doctor who didn’t get that no triptan has ever worked for me, and I’m allergic to opiates. Weed doesn’t work, either.
I sent my current doctor a chart of my migraines by force as if they were hurricanes, explaining the symptoms or strength of pain, how it limited me, and what, if anything, took it away. She was astonished.
So I’m Echo or Chorus to those above who care about you, see you, know you, are you, understand your challenges, and send squishy hugs, love, prayer/thought/energy/magic.
May there be a treatment for intractable/treatment-resistant, chronic or not, migraines in the near future.
This isn’t my photo, but it’s the SSE end of Loch Ness. It’s my meditation location in which I do my best to relax by conjuring the vision, sounds, and other sensations of it, usually to lower my blood pressure before measurement, or while getting treatment at the dentist.
Stay strong. You are achieving and doing so much while being in constant pain. Wow. Not sure if I could handle it at all. Wishing you all the best and hoping for you that the new program will help you. And as long as you are writing / publishing, as long I will buy and recommend your books. Big hugs
This post helps me understand where your characters’ strength and determination is rooted. You have accomplished great things; I am awed to hear what you must overcome to do so
You can do this. My husband has pancreatic cancer has fought it 3 times and is in remission again. He has chronic pain daily and every day his word in the morning are I’m still kicking and still see the sun coming up even though sometimes it’s already up when I get out of bed and able to move. 😂
I gave him a saying I found which I would like to share with you.
Promise me you’ll always remember:
You’re braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem
and smarter than you think
Take care of yourself 🙏
Thank you for the Lovely picture, can totally understand why you live there! Take care of yourself and Michael and hopefully have a quite weekend.
I have more pains as I age, currently a young 68, most caused by some form of inflammation. I broke down and sent for the starter trail of Relief Factor, within a week, actually less, it was working. It’s completely natural but it has four different inflammation fighters. What could it hurt to give it a try.
I love a good prioritised to do list.
Thankfully i do not know chronic pain.
I have met someone who used to get chronic migranes, she was working in a chiropractor’s office and they saw her I pain and gave her an adjustment which cleared her migrane! She had had 10 years of them at that point.
It made such a difference she then went back to school to learn to be a chiropractor so she can help others.
I hope and pray that this helps even one of you suffering with this pain!