At the beginning of September 2022, I rolled over my three-year anniversary of having drug (and therapy) resistant chronic migraine. The ‘and therapy’ addition is my own, the diagnosis is via my headache specialist and took over two and a half years to get – because that was how long it took me to go through every therapy and drug currently avail in Canada (there is another new drug pending approval, and I’m on a waitlist for it).

Yes, I’m in constant, unrelenting daily pain. Some days I’m quite functional and the pain is at a low simmer. Some days I’m lucky if I can string two sentences together (literally, in conversation, and on the page). Those two extremes are rare. Usually, I fall somewhere in the middle, aka functional for a few hours scattered throughout my day.

One of the most difficult struggles I’ve had with chronic pain is the inability to maintain a schedule. And even when I try to arrange my days, or even get a few days to flow in a row, it feels like the smallest addition/complication can throw me off.

Take today for example. My pain is present, closer to distracting than a low simmer, but I’ve worked through worse many times before. I have a massive to-do list which is almost entirely my own fault – I decided to release two books with only thirty days in between and somehow convinced myself that I could also write the next book (Amplifier 6), run a large scale promo on another book (Amplifier 0), and overhaul my ‘store’ at the same time. In the background, I’m also budgeting/arranging my upcoming Author Tea with Hailey Edwards (May 27, 2023 in Vancouver, BC), brainstorming/budgeting for a Tenth Anniversary Kickstarter for Dowser 1 (Feb 2023 for the Kickstarter, June 2023 for the anniversary), and getting the audiobooks for Archivist series going. Also, I’ve been asked to send in proof of my Medical expenses for 2021 to Revenue Canada. Add in (attempting to get) daily exercise and a daily walk with Molly (approx 2 hours of each day).

And I was doing okay with all of it, prioritizing.

Then yesterday Michael cranked his neck and went down for the day. I lost the writing but stepped up with the household stuff (though I forgot to let the chickens out of the coop until 11:30am, yikes) yet still managed to knock several items off my to-do list.

But today the gutter installers are here. Getting new gutters on the cabin before the rain sets in is going to be great! I will no longer get soaked coming and going from my office. But Molly Millions isn’t pleased. I’ve had to put her bark collar on her (which I hate almost as much as she does).

And now I’m way off – no story in my aching head, no motivation in my aching body, and utterly frustrated by my inability to get into, then maintain, a groove.

I used to be so resilient. Way, way back when (when I was still a screenwriter/indie filmmaker) I once had a (male) film/literary agent cite my ‘focus and drive’ as ‘not necessarily a good thing.’ And even then daily pain was almost a constant in my life (bursitis, tendonitis, and headaches).

Hence my realization today. Life is constantly chaotic – random injuries, taxes, gutter installers, barking/anxious dogs – but chronic pain makes those things much much more impactful than they are on a ‘regular’ life. At least, on the fairly ‘regular’ life I felt like I once led.

I know there is a lot of literature about ‘spoons’ and only having so many to allot to each day, but I can’t seem to rectify that concept with my own expectations, my own wants/needs/dreams.

Anyway, this was just a long post to say a short thing:

I see you. I know you. I am you.

Take care of yourself. And I will try to do the same.

Love and Light,

Meghan