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It’s not you. It’s the toilet seat.

January 23, 2016

Warning: Possibly TMI

Yes, this is a post about toilet seats.

For the past 24 hours whenever I shifted on or off the toilet, I felt a nasty pinch on my left ass cheek. At first I ignored it, assuming it was just some weird isolated body ache. But then, as it happened again and again, I grew concerned.

Yes. Concerned.

Concerned that somehow my ass had gotten so big, or perhaps so flabby, that I was pinching my own flesh as I sat down or stood up.

Finally early this morning, I looked at the toilet seat.

It’s cracked.



Um, yeah. I totally scrubbed the toilet before taking this photo. Who wouldn’t?

Upon discovering this sliver of hell, I immediately yelled “the toilet seat is cracked!” to Michael.

“I told you I broke it,” he called back, completely unfazed.

Right. That did sound vaguely familiar. “I thought you meant you broke the hinge or whatever. It’s pinching my ass.”

“Yeah. Just be thankful you’re not hairy.”

So yeah. That happened.

And the moral of the story?

Michael didn’t assume anything was wrong with his ass.

This. This is what women do to ourselves. We assume that the problem stems from something we’ve done or from our fatty deposits. Before anything else occurs to us, we assume we are fat and that it’s a problem.

So let me be the first to say …  It’s not you. It’s the toilet seat.

17 Comments leave one →
  1. Michelle permalink
    January 23, 2016 6:45 PM

    Lmao!!! This is the funniest thing I have read today…. Love the moral but… Be glad our not hairy!!!!

  2. January 23, 2016 8:42 PM


  3. Liz Dutcher permalink
    January 23, 2016 9:01 PM

    Maybe it’s just me, but this is hilarious (and feels REALLY familiar). I have a feeling that Jade needs to go through this and tell the tale.

    Again, that might just be my crazy imagination. 😜

  4. Sherrie permalink
    January 23, 2016 9:13 PM

    🙂 love it and so true to assume it must be “our” fault.

  5. Amanda O permalink
    January 23, 2016 9:25 PM

    Ahaha. I am happy for you that it wasn’t your ass that caused it. 😉 Great little story.

  6. January 24, 2016 3:20 PM

    Systemic patriarchy. 🙁

  7. Pam permalink
    January 24, 2016 5:29 PM

    sounds like me. Lmao.

  8. January 25, 2016 4:59 PM

    Love the post and moral. Speaking as a man, I too always assume that it is something I did. I have a torn up back and a titanium right shoulder and I’m always saying to my wife “I don’t know what I did but my back (or shoulder) hurts!” She usually sighs and reminds me that I’m injured and in my mid-50s and of course I hurt. For me, the moral is I’m my own worst critic.

  9. January 26, 2016 2:35 PM

    Hehe, I can’t help it, but this made me giggle ^_^ was having a bit of a Tuesday is feeling like a Monday kind of day, but this made it better. I’m sorry you had to deal with pinchies though, not fun!

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