Warning: Possibly TMI

Yes, this is a post about toilet seats.

For the past 24 hours whenever I shifted on or off the toilet, I felt a nasty pinch on my left ass cheek. At first I ignored it, assuming it was just some weird isolated body ache. But then, as it happened again and again, I grew concerned.

Yes. Concerned.

Concerned that somehow my ass had gotten so big, or perhaps so flabby, that I was pinching my own flesh as I sat down or stood up.

Finally early this morning, I looked at the toilet seat.

It’s cracked.

See?

Upon discovering this sliver of hell, I immediately yelled “the toilet seat is cracked!” to Michael.

“I told you I broke it,” he called back, completely unfazed.

Right. That did sound vaguely familiar. “I thought you meant you broke the hinge or whatever. It’s pinching my ass.”

“Yeah. Just be thankful you’re not hairy.”

So yeah. That happened.

And the moral of the story?

Michael didn’t assume anything was wrong with his ass.

This. This is what women do to ourselves. We assume that the problem stems from something we’ve done or from our fatty deposits. Before anything else occurs to us, we assume we are fat and that it’s a problem.

So let me be the first to say …  It’s not you. It’s the toilet seat.